Ensenada

all these years
such an odd crossing
of paths
but we were both born
so old
already
maybe that's
it.
when he's mad he's funny
that edgy fast smart
when he's not
I see Mary
when his hands touch me
this could all be so easy
but it isn't. I haven't cried yet.
though I sleep just fine
at night
the opera rages on
and on and
on

no one will die
until everyone's exhausted
there's the chorus
again
someone's been betrayed
poison, knives, swords suffocation
hanging
the diva collapses
are we there
yet but no
the chorus again
they're singing this one
in spanish
I'm sunk



the phone's ringing
jars me awake
and it's alfredo
again what do you want
now tell me what you
want
baby
tell me
I can't
Do it.

Ah.


my mom's dog disappears, she never leaves the yard, maybe there's a dead deer up in the hills. she frets, paces, pretends to stay busy finally, impatient she demands that I find her.

she hasn't left, I say, I don't believe she's left she's got a tummy ache from eating squirrels it's hot.

Is your sense she's alive, then? quiver underneath her asking. Yes. I'm impatient now, her anxiety distracts me from the door I'm hanging on her shed. I tromp into the kitchen for water, sit down, "she's under the porch cooling off," I say, and she trips out the door oh honeybunch there you are my sweetheart dog.

I told her to look there an hour ago no one believes a clairvoyant until all other options are exhausted. since I've lost my momentum it's quiet in my head and there's alfredo
again
what do you
want
now say it again
what?
what you want say it


I'm a plumber
now a car
mechanic
a romance language
sings
while I sleep I release
the part of me
that wants to run away
and she winks
as she accepts from me
that doubt
that makes my eyes still
squint when certain
glances graze
my face
an artist
with both ears
but just one heart
now, one.



it will rain again
later
late tonight
early tomorrow
friday
alfredo will call me
two a.m.
the sage smell
will creep in with the
spanish songs
and the saxophones
I will sleep just fine I haven't cried yet.

I wasn't strong
then I was frail
and broken
I was feeling too many
things
for me to feel
then

they don't sleep
they drink
bullshit
I doze
Hot in the sun my jeans
melt on my
legs on the concrete steps
in front of the barracks
the buses gun past
each half hour
helicopters
neil young better keep your head



back home it's 5:30 the cowboys bent trudge to the bank
crossing the lawn diagonally more debits to their lines
of credit
of crank
some things never change
rat tat tat
well hey.


it's three quarter time
it's heavy on the
tuba
chopped cilantro
he stops short
of feeding me only
because he knows
I have to take care of
myself
start out walking
work up to three or four
miles
don't give me
any lip
don't give
up
sure it hurts


we were born before
alfredo and me
on november 11th and july 2nd
on the 4th I got my first
sunburn
at the boat races
on the snake river
passed from arms to other
arms I hate the smell of
beer.

I watched my Finnish
grandmother hold her
Lucky Strikes
between two fingers
short nails crimson I paint
mine that way too
sometimes.

French Camp
it's the county hospital
whose arms held him
I don't know
yet
we have our pasts, rules
there are places
we don't
go yet.


insatiable
our desire
I cannot spend the night
with him
at his barracks
something about a central
stairway, leering
I don't know so we spend all
our money
on motel rooms
in oceanside and carlsbad
and san diego
escondido
one night in bakersfield
after hours of driving
to meet each other halfway
when he was on leave

his master sergeant hears of
this and says
he's whipped
well you are too
he says
when I laugh


on sunday
I start to sink
after saturday in escondido
after friday on a friend's
couch
on sunday something
wells up
inside and I cry but not
for alfredo
I cry because I know I have to leave



monday I'm sick
with the grief
of knowing
what's headed
my way
I can't
do this start out walking don't run sure it hurts you need to get in shape chin up you need some
sun on that
skin
tuesday
no breath left
I gag
from fear
I trade fours
in seconds
I imagine walking into the
ocean and realize I
can do
that



I hate it when the clouds
break
after building all day
promising me
something I could set my
heart upon.
Here it is again
the sun straight through my
window
5:30
it hurts my eyes.
I'll have a headache by 7
by eight my friends
will stumble across my lawn
diagonally
we'll dance
my heart though
is somewhere else
on the hot concrete
steps
of an old squad bay
at camp pendleton
cali
fornia
my head hurts from sitting
all day they laughed
they thought that was funny
I guess

1999